Summer Renaissance

Okay so listen…don’t fight me! I know I ghosted y’all but work was kicking my ass! So many changes were happening and while as hard as I dug my heels in the ground to keep out the chaos, it caught ya girl off guard, but I digress. Enough shop talk!

On the personal side, summer was great! Something like a summer renaissance. I spent a lot of time truly relaxing and reveling in my little bit of peace. Starting reading again, became more intentional about my mental and physical health, and being comfortable in my skin…shout out to Beyoncé for the inspiration! Summer owes me nothing! I soft launched Suburban Couture merchandise, bought a blow up pool, and really just enjoyed life. 

The family trip this year was to Florida. We attended a wedding and were going to go to Universal Studios but due to a slight episode of panic, we decided against it. We still had a great time being out of New York and being able to see family and friends in person. My mom flew for the first time in over 12 years y’all! I made sure she was escorted from curb to gate and now girlfriend is ready to fly everywhere! I got to see my BFF, Dominique, and extended family for a beautiful wedding…shout out to Erin and Moe! I love that no matter how long it's been, the vibe is ALWAYS love and good shit. 

I got to visit family in Connecticut. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my family until I got there. Calls, texts, and FaceTimes really don’t compare to being in the presence of your loved ones. I have never been one to take that for granted as I love my family. They are genuinely good people. We enjoyed freshly fried fish from the Cape, courtesy of Uncle Bern and Aunt Jean, and ended the evening with a family dance party. Being able to love on my family was amazing but what had me in my feelings the most was watching Sterling interact with his cousins. I don’t know how it happened, but Sterling truly came out of his shell this summer. He is maturing into such a beautiful soul. I cannot wait to tell you about the dramatic email exchange that almost had me pulling up somebody in full mama bear mode.

I want to leave you with this. Life is generous. In this new era of life, I’m realizing there are so many things I am capable of doing if I get out of my own way. Prepare to be sicka me! 

Love and Light,

J

Another Piece Of The Puzzle

I didn’t know if we would ever get here. The road has not been easy and there were some very dark times along the way. Sterling is pushing through his fears and tackling things we didn’t know he was capable of. I, on the other hand, have been having mini meltdowns for the past two weeks. Crying because I wasn’t sure what was to come. You want the best for your children and want to see them succeed no matter what. I can’t even count the number of meetings we’ve had over the years where I was left feeling emotionally exhausted from having to fight to get Sterling the services and accommodations he needed. I will never understand why there is so much resistance in giving a child what they need to be educated. Where does it say all children learn the same? 

Let’s get to the good part.

The chairperson from the district started the meeting by having everyone introduce themselves. Sterling’s teacher, counselor, and speech pathologist said their hellos. Kai and I said ours as well. The tears began to fall listening to everyone speak so highly of Sterling. How he has matured so much and is truly an asset to his peers. When his teacher stated he is on track to reach all of his educational goals, I wanted to get up and shout. I knew my child was articulate and capable. He just needed the right formula to thrive. I say formula because there’s so many components that we had to dissect and reconfigure to get here. **I will definitely circle back to this.**

Both the counselor and speech pathologist echoed what his teacher said. We collectively made the decision to discontinue individual speech sessions as Sterling has become quite articulate. Group sessions will remain as he is still learning to decipher the context or reading in between the lines of others. Sterling has counseling in and out of school. A couple of posts back I talked about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how Sterling has really done the work to get where he is today. In school counseling is really a place where he can dissect and problem solve moments of anxiety or interactions he may have with his peers or teachers. 

This meeting also started the conversation of bringing Sterling back into an in district school. Currently he is in a 8:1:1 classroom which means there is one teacher and one assistant for eight children. Next year he will be in a 15:1:1. Sterling will keep his individual counseling sessions to help with this transition. His accommodations will remain the same regarding testing, which include extended time and directions being read and simplified as needed during test taking. The use of staff manipulatives, graphic organizers, and sensory supports will remain as well. I appreciated the chairperson acknowledging the additional supports that are in the building and recommending a behavioral consult so his quirks and nuances in the classroom would be understood. We have to wait until the end of the school year to know what school Sterling will be assigned to and then a more detailed plan will be devised and executed. 

A combination of medication, therapy, prayer, and support from Sterling’s amazing village has gotten us to where we are today. Words won’t express the gratitude I have for every person that has contributed in some way, fashion, or form. This journey is far from over, but we’re going to sit back and enjoy this moment for a few.

Until next time. Love and Light!

Ya Girl Is On The Struggle Bus

Hey y’all. I’m going to be honest. Ya girl is sitting front row on the struggle bus. Work is kicking my butt and my anxiety is running pretty high as Sterling’s Annual Review is next week. I have been working on a few blogs but just don’t feel like they’re ready to post. I want to bring you the real but I also don’t want to babble. 

This is a huge meeting for Sterling as we’re developing a plan to integrate him back into district. He says he’s ready… I’m SCARED. I know he can do well. He’s been preparing for this moment for some time. There will be some changes to his IEP and based on a phone conversation I had Monday, I may have to stand my ground to keep some services in place. Right now, Sterling is thriving and I want to keep that momentum going. He’s starting to inquire about high and college and what that would look like for him. I want to make sure he gets the support he needs to succeed.

I feel like I’m starting to babble…deep breaths Jessy..deep breaths. 

This school year has been amazing…he’s excelling and the smile on his face when he comes home warms my soul. It has been quite a journey to get here and we are nowhere near finished. I received a packet today from the district with the information needed for next week’s meeting. I’m saying a silent prayer that I don’t lose my cool or cry…both of which have happened in the past. 

I have taken the day off from work. Regardless of how this goes I will need time to decompress. This journey is exhausting but I believe you’re never given more than you can handle. 

Until next time! Love and Light. 

For The Love Of Parenting

Growing up I felt like my mom was the absolute worst person on earth when she disciplined me. She was short but mighty! I recall getting a few pops in my youth but nothing I feel like I need to work through in therapy. My dad was the total opposite. He never raised his voice…cool as a cucumber…but whenever he was in the disciplinarian seat I felt sooooo bad y’all! Like he would just say my name…Jessica…and I would immediately feel remorseful. When you compare parenting styles I think my dad would’ve been labeled the gentle parent. I’m not going to see here and have y’all thinking my mom’s parenting style left me traumatized or feeling less of a person because it definitely didn’t. She was hard but I appreciate it. 

If you follow me on Instagram you know that I shared my adoption story. I briefly touched on my biological mother being a young teen and felt it was in my best interest to be raised by a family who could provide for me. In hindsight, I think my mom chose her parenting style with an emphasis on trying to keep me from making mistakes that would possibly effect my future. I wasn’t happy about it growing up and definitely had moments of resentment but as an adult I am ever so grateful. I feel like my parenting style is the perfect mix of my parents. I am firm when I need to be but also able to provide that gentle side as well. 

Being a parent to an autistic child I feel like you have to really step outside your comfort zone. Parenting is very different. My husband, Kai, had to deprogram himself. He said he realized he had to take step back and analyze himself. He went on to say that he observed and researched, restructured his emotional theme, and most importantly, became more open to feedback. The most important thing here is being able to be open and honest with yourself so you can create new habits. The reward was being able to build a stronger relationship with Sterling where he wasn’t fearful of being reprimanded. 

I realized way before he was diagnosed that raising my voice wasn’t an option as the one time I did it I saw fear in his eyes and I don’t want my child to fear me. I’ve always spoken to Sterling like he was a person and not a baby. I remember the conversation I had with him when he was born. I said “ Sterling..I have no idea what I’m doing but I promise I won’t kill you.” I swear he smiled. From then on I always kept it 100 with him, he was and still is my sidekick. If he needs to be disciplined we sit down and have a conversation. In most cases, Sterling is able to acknowledge when he is in the wrong and is accepting of his consequence. At times, he can be really hard on himself and I choose not to add salt to injury so we move on. 

The parenting style conversation has come up a lot as of late. I love to hear how others are parenting and take note of things I would like to incorporate into my style. There is no guide to perfect parenting. My style may not work for your child and yours may not work for mine. What’s most important is providing a loving and supportive foundation where the child can flourish. I knew growing up my parents always had my back but wouldn’t uphold me when I was in the wrong, and that’s exactly my goal with Sterling.  

I’d love to have an open dialogue about this. There’s a IG and Facebook post that goes along with my weekly blog post. Please feel free to pop over to either post and drop a comment about your parenting style. There could be a parent who could benefit for some nuggets of wisdom. 

Until next time! Love and Light.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy..The Way It’s Helped Sterling

Having a child with a developmental disability can be hard. This road has not been easy. Sterling has been through so much. I thank God daily for the resilience and optimism he has and I pray it continues for the rest of his life. When we first started navigating this road, I had to have a heart to heart with myself. I have worked with the adolescent and latency population for 20+ years. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be on this side of the coin. I’m grateful for knowledge I have as well as the village and support I receive from the professional and personal relationships I have built over the years. With this support, Sterling has been able to thrive. While Sterling has a medication regimen that supports and provides some normalcy in his life, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has truly been a game changer for us.  

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a psycho-social intervention that aims to reduce symptoms of various mental health conditions including anxiety and depressions. Sterling has always been able to push through the anxiety and worrisome barriers with support, but as he continues to grow and mature, his clinical team and I felt it was time for him to work through some of his biggest fears. We started CBT therapy in December 2020. The psychologist started by first developing a rapport with Sterling, making sure he felt comfortable to talk freely with her. She would incorporate his favorite characters into treatment plans and “homework” she wanted all of us to work on. Some of Sterling’s fears included being alone in the dark as well as not being smart “enough”. 

Over the past year, Sterling has worked been able to work through so much. Night time was a huge struggle. Due to his anxiety and insomnia, Sterling used to be afraid to go to sleep alone. I would have to be in his room with his until he was soundly sleeping. Some nights, he could make it through the entire night while others we would be up numerous times trying to settle his body and mind enough for him to get some sleep. I am happy to report that Sterling is now able to get to sleep and stay asleep the majority of the time. There are still some times when he’s feeling anxious and struggles to fall asleep but those nights are almost nonexistent.

 I realized I was adding to Sterling’s stress when it came to school. Once I let go of my rigid expectations and met Sterling where he was, he seemed to settle. Sterling is currently in a therapeutic setting for school where standardized testing is voluntary. Last year his teacher asked if I wanted him to be excused from testing. At first I thought, with him being virtual, it may be a good idea to skip this year. Then I thought, this would a great opportunity for us to see just exactly where he was in respect to 4th grade standards. So he was able to take the ELA and Math exams alone with his teacher. She read him the directions to make sure he understood what he needed to do. We didn’t receive the results until the beginning of this school year and I was very happy to see he scored above average for ELA and average for Math. Sterling was happy to see this as well. I think this gave him a boost in confidence with testing. 

We’re getting ready to embark on new territory. Middle School. I wasn’t sure what this would look like as I am really not a fan of the therapeutic middle school options. To my surprise, Sterling expressed interest in returning to an in district school. I asked him if he felt he was ready and he said yes. I bought this up during one of his therapy sessions and his psychologist asked him why he felt he was ready. Sterling replied that he felt he would be okay in a bigger classroom and felt he has been able to control his anxiety for larger groups of people and places. I can’t believe we have made it here. Me being me, I made a phone call to the district chairperson to discuss this and what the transition would look like. I am thankful that his home district has been supportive in this journey. The chairperson stated they would reach out to the school psychologist where Sterling would be transitioning to to connect them with myself and Sterling’s current teacher and counselor. We will be meeting next month to review his IEP as well as develop a plan to support Sterling and his transition to a new school. 

 What made my own anxiety about this relax a little was the chairperson asked if I was ready for this. I am a firm believer that a child will let you know when they are ready for monumental moments and it’s our job as their parent or caregiver to support them. Sterling has taken a huge step in verbalizing he’s ready for change. I will do whatever is in my power to make it as smooth as I can. 

Will Cognitive Behavioral Therapy work for you or your child? I can’t answer that. What I can say is try everything until you find what works. There is no precise method to navigating developmental disabilities and mental health but there is a huge community of people who have been where you are. Do not be afraid to ask questions. I want to use my platform to offer as much knowledge and as many resources as I can. If you have any questions or are struggling with finding any resources. Please send me an email. I will do my best to connect you with resources. 

Friends…How Many Of Us Have Them?

friend- (n) person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection

Friends…How many of us have them? *singing in my Whodini voice*

Have y’all ever experienced a “friend” who always felt like they needed to one up you? Let’s say you just copped a cute ass Coach bag or fresh pair of 1’s and this friend says “oh well I just got a new LV and matching sneakers.” Why are some females like this? I’ve asked myself this question often as I’ve had several interactions like this in my lifetime. Not only is this is a turn off but it’s tacky. I love sharing my purchases with my friends, not to show off but to display my fly shit. The unspoken competition that has developed among women is so catty to me. The nice nasty attitudes and the passive aggressive comments they think putting “LOLs” or smiley faces at the end to make it okay, burns me up! I am extremely non confrontational and at my age I’d rather cut my loses. I just don’t have the energy. 

Friendship is supposed to be an authentic experience where you feel comfortable being yourself. You shouldn’t have to worry about shady boots energy from someone who really isn’t down for you. My circle has gone through some growing pains over the last few years. I’ve connected with some awesome people as well as having to let go of some folks whose negative energy was weighing me down. I feel like I’m a pretty cool person and do my best to be a great friend. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the other person to do the same.

 My mom always told me some people are around for a lifetime of seasons while others are here for only a few. I know my worth as a friend and I value the friendships that I have. Adulting is already hard, you should have a circle that allows you to be you without jealousy or judgement.

I’m going to end of this note, I see a lot of people saying “no new friends” and to be honest that’s not the vibe I’m on. I’ve built some amazing friendships with women from social media. Women who, once we met, instantly clicked. I’m open to anybody who is genuine.

Y’all know I want all of us to win. There is definitely room at the table for us all to eat!

Who is Jessy Bianca…

Hey Y’all! 

I’d like to be honest and say I have been dragging my feet with getting the blog off the ground. I was never one who enjoyed writing papers in college and this kinda felt like writing a paper. I feel like I’ve finally had an “AH HA” moment where I’m ready to dive in. 

So…

First and foremost…introductions! 

I am Jessy Bianca…you can call me Jessy! I’m a wife, mom, sister, friend…you name it, I’m it! I have been in the field of mental health for over 20 years, specifically, children and young adults.  I have the privilege of being a mom to a twice exceptional son, Sterling. My hubby, Kai, is an amazing photographer (www.niikaiwells.com) . I have four bonus kids as well as two very spoiled dogs. I am a tomboy but I try to make it chic. I’ll give you a full face of makeup in a hoodie and sneakers LOL. Bougie on a budget is what I know best. I love all things luxury but I’m definitely looking for a coupon first! I want everybody to win! I try to keep my circle full of like minded individuals who lift each other up and support. If I sound like someone you’d like to get to know more please stick around! 

Sterling…My SONshine!

We have been through so much and I am thankful for the resources and support we’ve had along the way. Sterling is in a great place and I am extremely grateful. When he was first diagnosed, I wasn’t surprised but relieved. Being told your child was a behavior problem had to be one of the worst things a mother can hear about their child. Luckily for me, my professional background afforded me the knowledge to know these were not behaviors but responses to stressful situations. I want to share more resources as well as my mindset when it comes to being a parent and advocate for my son. So many things are thrown at us all at once. All the meetings, the calls, and the paperwork can be so overwhelming. Sharing all the struggles and triumphs we’ve had in hopes of helping a mom or caregiver who is struggling to maneuver this path. You’d be surprised at what they don’t want you to know your child is entitled to. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and ask me any questions.  

If you’d like to know Sterling’s diagnosis story. Check out this vlog I posted to my YouTube channel.